reverse threading

the path back is the path forward


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there if you look

photoi walked into the bathroom this morning and it greeted me. the scent of my sweet momma’s favorite perfume – estee lauder’s pleasures. it took me by surprise, making me stop suddenly. i stood still. i looked around, thinking maybe there was some other reason for this beautiful wafting ghost of perfume lingering in the air. i could see no other reason, no cause of any scent into which i might have meandered. so i stood there.

a few long seconds went by until i could speak and i stepped out of the bathroom to tell him that my momma’s perfume was in the air. he smiled and i could see he was moved. i went back into the bathroom slowly, wondering if i had imagined it. but as i entered the space again, it was there. most definitely – pleasures. the tears in my eyes weren’t tears of sadness. i spoke to her, telling her how much i missed her, how glad i was she had ‘stopped by’. i have been hoping that somehow she would show up, somehow she would make herself known to me, somehow she would let me know she was around.

so now i wonder – if this was her first wave from heaven. i imagine she’s been busy, her energy running high as she catches up with everyone she loves who got there before her. i imagine that she’s been talking up a storm, so to speak, and embracing all the opportunities she has to be with those she loves. so i am grateful for this moment today. this moment that – in an instant – made me feel like my momma is right here, just on the other side.

i talked to my sister during her lunch. i was sitting on the edge of the deck in unseasonable 65 degree sun and she was in her jeep at a favorite lunch spot. i told her about momma’s perfume. she said she had goosebumps. i told her, too, that the other day i found myself saying the words “betwixt and between”. now, who says that these days? we laughed when i said i was channeling mom. my sister said she had said something mom-esque a few days ago and i asked her if it was the word “irked”. again, we both laughed and we could both hear our sweet momma….

last night i woke in the middle of the night. i have no idea why or what woke me, but there was this one thought i was aware of as i made my way into awake-ness. the words – something like this – the more you have gratitude for every little thing, the more the universe gives you to have gratitude for. i woke him up. to talk about it. i’m not sure where the words came from but they were present in the air around me and my pillow. gratitude for every little thing – not just the good things. but also the challenging things. the things that make us weep. the feeling of being tired. the feeling of being exhilarated. with gratitude, the glass never has to be half-empty. it’s always half-full, waiting for the moment it spills over. our universe isn’t full of bubbles and rainbows, but they are there if you look.

my sweet momma’s perfume brought me a moment with my sweet momma. i look for the next time with great anticipation, wondering what this amazing woman will do to let me know she’s there. in the meanwhile, i am grateful for estee lauder’s pleasures in the air. a little thing? i don’t think so.

after working on projects, we played frisbee in the street. we never took a shower but wore sweats and sneakers. (we did brush our teeth.) we ate fresh strawberries and drank strong coffee.

we agreed it was a magic day.

www.kerrisherwood.com

itunes: kerri sherwood

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sweet momma’s iced tea

i can taste it. momma’s iced tea. it was the best iced tea i think i have ever had. somehow she brewed this perfectlylemonysweetishbutnottoosweet iced tea every time. now i wish i had the exact recipe, although i suspect that it still wouldn’t taste the same. i wonder if she is making iced tea in heaven. do they even drink iced tea in heaven?photo

yesterday i could think of nothing i wanted more than to talk with her. just tell her life stuff and hear what she had to say. one morsel of momma would have gone a long way to make me feel better. or make me feel balanced. or make me feel something that i have trouble wrapping words around. but i’m betting you know what i mean.

laurie walked into ukulele band rehearsal wearing estee lauder’s pleasures perfume. i was instantly drawn back into my memory bank of memories with momma. that was her favorite perfume. my sister gave me the last bottle our sweet momma had so that i might -every now and then- take a whiff and get a glimpse of her.

today – as kumbaya-ish as this sounds – please call your mom, hug your mom, send your mom a card, acknowledge all your mom has done for you and for others, ask your mom for advice, teach your mom something new, sing to your mom, play the piano for your mom, send your mom flowers, bring your mom dandelions, tell your mom a joke and laugh with your mom, cook with your mom, reminisce with your mom, ask your mom how she is, ask your mom about when she was little, ask your mom what she wishes for, sit with your mom, tell your mom you love her. she is – so often – the person who takes the brunt of everything you can dish out, sitting in the fire with you and adoring you unconditionally. just love your mom.

yes, this is a hard process – this grief thing. some days i am –at already56– ok. i walk through the world surrounded by amazing people who, somehow by design, are there with me, loving me and me them. other days, well, i wish i could sit down and drink my sweet momma’s iced tea.

yes, my sweet momma, i will hold you forever and ever
(from the album AND GOODNIGHT~A LULLABY ALBUM)

www.kerrisherwood.com

itunes: kerri sherwood